From the Desk of Roger Goodell

Dear NFL Players Union,

It is a troubling time for all of us. The risk of an uncapped year is only one season away and the threat of a lockout follows. It is up to us as professionals to set things straight and not risk our fans losing the most profitable sport in America. I know most of you have a problem with some of the new rules we have implemented, but I assure you, player safety is the main reason for these rules. Not the fact that Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are cash cows of which we must milk until dry. With that being said, I have detailed some suggestions you guys can take so we can put this matter behind us and not risk losing this game. They are listed below:


1. Fuck off: By fucking off, not only can we move this process along faster, but you give old Rog here some time to plow my Fox News anchor wife. She likes it just like she likes her journalism.

2. Learn the rules of the game: I'm looking at you McNabb. You didn't know ties were part of the game? I didn't know you were a fucking idiot.

3. Fuck off, again: Roger doesn't have to explain this one a second time.


I hope you all can consider these suggestions. I realize this may be a great deal to ask, what with you fighting your bodyguards and shooting yourselves. But I think it can be accomplished.


Sincerely,

Roger Goodell
NFL Commissioner