Rambox Wide World of Sports

Today is Manhattan College's 2nd Annual Turtle Race. The Rambox believes in celebrating all sorts of sporting events, especially those you don't otherwise hear about. In roughly 3 hours 5 turtles will begin a race, and only one will survive. I will be drunk and laughing at those who do not move. Some people on the campus seem to have a problem with turtles racing for their lazy lives. They say turtle racing is "Animal Abuse," I guess since I started this tradition, that makes me Michael Vick....And let me fucking tell you...

Its fucking good to be Michael Vick

STOP! In the name of God

God's is rolling in the money on Ebay these days, and now has another reason to smile. The Hand of God can now be found on ebay, which is the new vehicle to spread God's word. "People think I'm some holier-than-thou person trying to get rich. I'm not," Grayhek said. "The purpose is to spread the story of God and eBay is just a vehicle." It looks more like the handprint from some robot in the new Transformers movie. Will: 1 , Religion 0.

With the 32nd Pick in the 2009 NFL Draft...

The Pittsburg Stelers Select:

Who gives a fuck, I'm too drunk to post, and the stelers are too gay to think of anything for. Ben Fatty Fat Fat is gay and I hate Hines Ward, and fuck Jeff Reed while I'm at it.

I'm going to pass out, Goodnight from NY and the 2009 Darft.

With the 31st pick in the 2009 NFL draft

The Arizona Cardinals select:

God.

As part of Kurt Warner's contract extension.

With the 30th Pick in the 2009 NFL Draft

The Tennessee Titans Select

5 Members From Kerry Collins AA Meetings

After losing key members from their defense, the Titans decided to get a lot of value at this pick. First controversial, but Goodell soon agreed because Kerry Collins wouldn't stop crying.

With teh 29th pick in the 2009 draft

The New York Giant sselect

Darius-Heyward Crabtree Nicks.

We Need a reciever. fuck.

With the 28th Pick in the 2009 NFL Draft:

Buffalo Bills:


Penguin (ATH: Anartica University)

Player that can be an elusive running back, a slot guy, a wideout. When Buffalo Bills' GM was asked why a Penguin, the GM stated that "Penguins are really important to Marshawn Lynch, we just wanted to see what was going on with them." With TO, the Bills offense now seems unstoppable with a Penguin and TO. They are pretty important to Marshawn Lynch. Who wanted his Mom to be drafted in the first round, but settled for the Bills selecting a Penguin.

With the 27th Pick of the 2009 NFL Draft

The Indianapolis Colts Select

Ravens Ring of Honor

By selecting the Ravens ring of Honor they now have all of the football history from the city of Baltimore. They are expected to trade up to select Ray Lewis's and John Ogden's Hall of Fame inductions later in the 2nd round.

With the 26th pick in the 2009 draft

The Baltimore Ravens select:

Michael Oher, OT, Ole Miss. Who the fuck cares.

(Baltimore Ravens Draft Room);

Ozzie: OK what do we do now? The WRs we wanted are gone. I really don't know where to go from here. Harbaugh, what do you think?

Harbaugh: (has headset on, isnt talking)

Ozzie: John, this isnt a game, you can take the headset off. Where should we go with this pick?

Harbaugh: (still has headset on, not saying anything)

Ozzie: OK, Cam, offensive tackle...does that work?

Cam: Yup, can never have too many of those. What do you think John?

Harbaugh: (will not remove headset, and will not talk)

Ozzie: Offensive tackle it is.

With the 25th Pick in the 2009 NFL Draft...

The Miami Dolphins Select:


Hakeen Nicks: (UNC WR)

Nicks is the perfect fit for the Wildcat offense. Who the fuck runs the wildcat? This shit isnt going to work for another year. What a buncha ass clowns. Bill Parcells is now the chef so let him pick the fucking groceries. He likes Safeway, but he'll go to an Organic food market if that's all thats available. Grocery stores are tricky, what if things are on sale and you're not a member? You're fucked that what.

With the 24th Pick of the 2009 NFL Draft

The Atlanta Falcons Select



Fluffy Vick (FB)



Previously mention (http://therambox.blogspot.com/2009/04/candid-interview-with-fluffy-vick.html), Fluffy Vicks draft stock has been increasing ever since. Draft experts have been raving about his heart and determination, and his ability to run and pass block. He can take a lot of punishment and has the ability to hold his breath for an extended period of time (Michael Vick attempted to drown him 6-7 times). After making the playoffs last year, the Atlanta Falcons will be a perennial Super Bowl Contender with Fluffy Vick.

With the 23rd pick in the 2009 NFL draft

The New England Patriots select a vile of Tom Brady's semen.

When Bill Belicheck was asked why he selected a vile of semen instead of an actual player, he responded with this:

"I don't need Matt Cassell. That guy is a bitch."

With the 22nd Pick in the 2009 Draft....

The Minnesota Vikings Select:

Adrian Peterson (RB, OLK)

The Vikings, not wanting to make a mistake in this draft select Peterson, because he did so fucking well last year. Yeah, blah blah blah, Peterson was Jesus in cleats supposedly. Minnesota hasnt draft well since Peterson.

MORTENSON: I don't agree with this pick at all, they negelected their needs at LB and in the secondary just to save face.
BERMAN: I suck dick for dimes and beat my gay lover. I am a homo and hate my life

With the 21st Pick of the NFL 2009 Draft

The Cleveland Browns (From the Philadelphia 76ers, Eagles, Flyers, Pirates, Jets, and Knicks)

Everett Brown (DE)

For no other reason than to avoid confusion with the local fan base. With the majority of the city under the read by 35 plan, Brown is already in their vocabulary. Well done Cleveland, well done.

With the 20th Pick in the 2009 NFL Draft..

The Detroit Lions Select...

DonalD Brown:

University of Conneticut: He didnt have an friends or family in his draft party, so he must be a loner. Matthew Stafford with his IQ of 280 was able to forsee the future and tell that Donald Brown would be a pro bowl RB. Brown is a lone wolf, having nobody present during his draft party was quoted as saying:

"People don't know me like that. They play me like I'm somebodys bitch. I love me some me in my draft party."

With the 19th pick in the 2009 NFL draft

TRADE UPDATE:

The Tampa Bay Somalian Pirates select...

QB Josh Freeman. The pick was stolen en route to Cleveland on the Mississippi River.

With the 18th Pick...

The Denever Broncos Select...

TRADE: Peria Jerry to Ben And Jerry's Ice Cream:

In a odd draft and trade deal, the Broncos drafted Peria Jerry then traded hum to Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream franchise for the rights to a new ice cream name, "John Elway Rockyroad" and a 3rd round pick.

With the 17th Overall Pick

The Cleveland Browns Select

Robert Ayers (DE)

A local homeless person from the greater Cleveland area. He has all the intangables the Cleveland Browns strive for. Watch for Ayers at stop lights for his his quickness in cleaning windshields. The Browns will literally be regressing this year in the draft.

With the 16th pick in the 2009 nfl draft

The San Diego Chargers select Alex Mack.

Mack has been known for his keen ability to turn into liquid and undercut defensive linemen. And solve mysteries.

The 15th Overall Pick The Houston Texans Select:

Malcom Jenkins (FS) THE Ohio State University

THE Houston Texans select THE best free stafety in the draft. He is THE best FS in THE best free safety in the draft. What a complement to THE Super Mario Williams. He is THE best ball hawk in THE nfl draft. THE houston Texans needed a guy like this in THE secondary. I hate THE Ohio state University.

The 14th Pick of the 2009 NFL Draft

The New Orleans Saints choose:

Chris (Beanie) Wells

Thats right, before they even selected him. I texted Mort, who texted the Saints, who then faxed Panera for a Asiego Turkey Sandwich, and then texted me back saying they were going to pick Wells.

With the 13th pick in the 2009 draft

The Washington Redskins select...

Mark Sanchez...USC

Dan snyder doesn't give a fuck that the Jets already picked him.

Editors Weekend: Pick 12 Denver

After an afternoon of drinking, from 12-3, the editors weekend is officially underway. The editors drank from 12-3 then an intense game of touch football on the quad from 3-5, left it at:
RAM: 14
SXERSFAN: 14
BROWN: 21

And with the 12th pick in the NFL draft the Denver Broncos select Jeremy Maclin...Out of...Who gives a fuck state. They have nobody to throw to him. No Cutler, no passing, no receiever:

YOUNG: Shoul have gone Maclin, big mistake

0 Comments

I know people visit this site from around the globe, and possibly from other planets. Therefore, I am sick of seeing "0 comments." I don't care if you are a man, women, something in between, or have a preanal tail, comment for the fuck of it. It gives us reason and inspiration to keep posting.

**And tell em that Allen says so!**

Oh, yea and Allen Iverson says you should comment too, hes fucking brain dead and can't play basketball....this is all hes got. Save Allen Iverson, and comment on our posts.

A candid interview with Fluffy Vick

This lovable guy is Fluffy II. Besides having a cute and adorable puppy dog face, he has also amassed an impressive 39-0-3 record while on Michael Vick's ranch. The Rambox had a chance to sit down with Fluffy II a year after Vick's arrest to see what life has been like since.

RAMBOX: So, it's been about a year since the whole Michael Vick scandal went down, what were your thoughts while he was on trial?

FLUFFY: It was tough for all us guys here on the ranch. Trade rumors swirling around, it can be hard man. Shit, at the end of the day, we all want to just step in the ring and compete. But you know, we're all a family too, you want to see the other guy succeed too, just not when you're in with him. (laughs)

RAMBOX: Tell me about your relationship with Michael Vick. Do you think he caught the raw end of the deal in all this?

FLUFFY: Ah shit man. I love my boy Mike. You know, the media has a funny way of spinning things all out of control man. We're just goin out there and doing what we love best. I'm a fighter, always have been. My boy Mike always gave me the shit I needed come fight night.

RAMBOX: Speaking of fighting, you were 39-0-3 in your professional career, what do you think seperates you from other dogs?

FLUFFY: It's my will to fight man. I just go out there and do what I was born to do. And I thank Jesus everyday for that. When I step under those lights, I know there aint nobody that can beat me (licks balls)

RAMBOX: You hold the Virginia state record for most wins as a professional, and have never lost a match. Your career wins of 39 is second only to Spot Irving, Michael Irving's prized fighter. Where do you think this ranks you in the list of all-time greats?

FLUFFY: I try not to get into that shit man. I just go out there and do my shit. At the end of the day you know I was the greatest fighter of all time. I'm up there man, Ali, Frazier, Mayweather. I'm there with those guys man.

RAMBOX: Some say you would have easily beaten that record had your career not been cut short. Ever get the urge to fight again?

FLUFFY: Every muthafuckin day man. I'm a fuckin pitbull. This shit is my life. I'll never forgive the state of Virginia for what they did. I was in in my prime man. They took away my life. How am i supposed to feed my 43 kids man? I was fuckin a new bitch every week. In times like these you feel for guys like Travis Henry or Shawn Kemp. They just tryna feed they kids.

RAMBOX: What's next for you now?

FLUFFY: I'm gonna go to Hollywood, Animal Planet has me signed on for my own reality show called "Fluffy: Fuckin' N' Fightin." Tuesdays at 8 PM this fall.

Editors Weekend!!!

It's that time of the year again! The NFL draft is on Saturday! It's a Rambox tradition that all the editors get together for a weekend of cheers and good tiding in New York City. Our 2nd annual editors convention is being held in the infamous BRONX, NY. Here is a rundown of what you can expect:
-Drunkenness
-Analysis from our experts on the who's who in the draft, who's stock is rising? Who's the next the bust of the draft? The sleepers?
-Inappropriately hitting on co-eds.

PLUS!! Tune in for live posts on draft picks and see just how drunk we will get

Fuck Off,

The Rambox Family

You'd Totally Be Dead By Now

The most irrelevant game on MNF:

vs.

As many of you are aware, the 2009 NFL schedule came out this week. I took a look over the primetime games. Then I texted Chris Mortenson and told him I had an inside story on the Cowboys. I wasn't there but I'm pretty sure he needed a towel because he jizzed in his pants. He texted me back "WTF, 85 Ocho Cinco to Boys, 1st 3rd? LOL." I texted back "No fucktard eat shit, the schedule sucks." And it does. Here is a quarter by quarter breakdown of the most irrelevant game on Monday Night Football:

Monday. Dec. 28th 8:20 PM

Bears(5-10) vs. Vikings (7-8)

1st Quarter:

4:50 left:

-Peterson does something, people think he is Jesus. John Madden...errr some other ass clown says Peterson is the best back in the league. Thousands of Fantasy owners disagree because Peterson was injured for 4 weeks of the season

Bears: 3 Vikings: 7

1:20 Left:

-Cutler checks blood sugar

Bears: 3 Vikings 7

2nd Quarter:

12:30 Left

-Hester returns punt -2 yards. Marking the start of the end of his career.

Bears: 3 Vikings 7

11:12 left:

-Cutler Checks blood sugar

Bears: 6 Vikings 7

8:31 left:

-Cutler Checks blood sugar

Bears: 6 Vikings 7

3rd Quarter

14:12 left:

-Both teams realize they suck, Some fucker nobody has ever heard of takes a knee for Minnesota

10:11 left:

-Cutler checks blood sugar

Bears: 6 Vikings: 10

4th Quarter

9:19 left:

-Cutler checks blood sugar, replaces old fat guy on commercial telling world to "Get your Diabetist testin supply, Check your blood sugar, and check it oftin"

3:10:

-Peterson breaks off 20 yard run, who gives a fuck, neither team makes the playoffs

Bears: 13: Vikings: 17

Post Game:

-Cutler Checks blood sugar

Everyone Should Look at Marshawn Lynch's Sporting News Profile

http://today.sportingnews.com/sportingnewstoday/20090204/?pg=3&pm=1&u1=friend

Didn't know Marshawn was into penguins. He is the ugliest person I'd ever want to hang out with.

Inside the NBA with Charles Barkley

Hey y'all. Charles Barkley here. The NBA season is winding down. My favorite time of year is almost here. The NBA playoffs. The field narrows. The buffet line gets shorter. Lets break down the five hottest topics in a section I like to call "My Faves".

1. The Cleveland Cavaliers. Now here's a team that's ahead of the curve. Lebron James is at the top of his game. Kind of like when Burger King had the Western Whopper. BBQ sauce is great on a burger. And those onion rings. Man, that was quite a burger. A lot like the Cleveland Cavaliers.

2. Andrew Bynum. He can be a difference maker for the Lakers. It helps having his seven foot body in the paint to get those boards. It's like having seven Subway footlongs. When I go to Subway, I like to get double meat. People are always like "Hey Charles, why double meat?" and I always say why not? Andrew Bynum will truly help.

3. Kevin Garnett's health. This is going to be key. He is not only a great player but a team leader as well. The Celtics are going to need him in the playoffs. I like to compare him to Nacho Cheese Doritos. Yeah, Cool Ranch is great. Black Pepper Jack has its positives. But Nacho Cheese is the original. The leader. I once bought Spicy Nacho, and it wasn't the same. I got a DUI that week. Kevin Garnett needs to be there if the Celtics want to win it all again.

4. Shaq's Future. Will Shaq be in Phoenix next year? Only time will tell. The rumors floating around about him ending up in Dallas are interesting. Shaq and Mark Cuban will go together like bread and butter. Banana bread is pretty good. It's got just the right amount of sweetness to it. I don't like it with nuts though.

5. Michael Jordan in the Hall of Fame. Boy, there aint a player more deserving. A true legend. I remember me and Mike went to this steak house when I visited him in Charlotte. He said he was done eating but he had some food left on his plate. I said "Mike, you gonna eat that?" and he said yes. He never ate it. I don't think I'll ever forgive him for that.

Cabrera? Sounds more like Lopez

Thanks Augusta. You smug piece of shit.

Ooohh. Look at me. I'm The Masters. I only have three sponsors. Why? Cause I don't need anymore. My shit doesn't stink.

Fuck off. First you guys pair me off with the African. Then you let Carlos Mencia win? The guy can't even speak English. Bet you regretted that one. This whole golf thing is starting to piss me off. I bet you golf fans are thinking "What happened Phil? You were right there and then choked it up with that double bogey!" Fuck you. You think you would do well with Tiger staring your every shot down with those sort-of Asian eyes? No. You wouldn't.

Fuck this. And Fuck Tiger Woods. I'm done with golf.

25 Random Things About Me: Billy Mays

1. I am responsible for Daniel Synder signing DeAngelo Hall for 54 million dollars. I told him if he called within the first 10 minutes of the offer, I would throw in 5 gallons of oxi-clean.

2. Oxi-clean can, and will, get the period blood out of Jay Cutler's jock.

3. Yes, I sold Cutler 4 tubes of Mighty Putty to reattach his testicles if he ever finds them.

4. At the age of 15 I traded God the ability to speak in reasonable volumes for unlimited supply of white trash trailer home pussy.

5. The Detroit Lions contacted me midway through the 08-09 season to sell season tickets.

6. I get massive amounts of QVC pussy.

7. My beard is made of 79% bear fur, 11% vagina hair, 6% polyester, and 4% of a dicarboxylic enol that the government will not allow me to identify to the public.

8. I own 2 shirts: A blue button down and a wife beater from 1968.

9. Upon my death, I will have segments of my body sold on infomercials from the hours of 2 AM to 4:30 AM.

10. The shamwow guy is a fucking puss.

11. During the annual QVC holiday dinner party I got drunk and pissed in a bottle of Orange Glow in front of that British pitchman Anthony Sullivan. Then I sold the bottle of Orange Glow to him for double the retail value. I even included shipping and fucking handling. Fucking pussy.

12. I am forbidden to enter the state of Montana due to a misunderstand of a law that states a 3rd party is not allowed to sell organs through television or print.

13. When I'm done fucking my wife I make her use the Big City Slidder maker so I can have post-sex slidders. I fucking love slidders.

14. I was second team all-state in Pennsylvania during the 1967 season as a punter.

15. The movie "Jerry McGuire" is loosely based on my life.

16. QVC has reprimanded me 3 times for having phone sex with a 65+ year old woman on air.

17. I pour Russian dressing on every piece of food I eat.

18. With every product I sell, a small Asian boy in a sweatshop is killed.

19. I will singlehandedly prevent a players strike in 2010.

20. There are 2 loves of my life: Useless shit and Singapore made porn.

21. I hold the world record for most minutes on national television with an erection. 39 minutes and 58 seconds.

22. I am friends with Drew Rosenhaus.

23. Over the course of 30 years I have watched and masturbated to the movie "Rookie of the Year" an estimated 2,390 times.

24. I have never actually used anything I sell on TV.

25. Fuck the shamwow guy. I wipe the shit from my dog with the money he makes.

From the Desk of Roger Goodell

Dear NFL Players Union,

It is a troubling time for all of us. The risk of an uncapped year is only one season away and the threat of a lockout follows. It is up to us as professionals to set things straight and not risk our fans losing the most profitable sport in America. I know most of you have a problem with some of the new rules we have implemented, but I assure you, player safety is the main reason for these rules. Not the fact that Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are cash cows of which we must milk until dry. With that being said, I have detailed some suggestions you guys can take so we can put this matter behind us and not risk losing this game. They are listed below:


1. Fuck off: By fucking off, not only can we move this process along faster, but you give old Rog here some time to plow my Fox News anchor wife. She likes it just like she likes her journalism.

2. Learn the rules of the game: I'm looking at you McNabb. You didn't know ties were part of the game? I didn't know you were a fucking idiot.

3. Fuck off, again: Roger doesn't have to explain this one a second time.


I hope you all can consider these suggestions. I realize this may be a great deal to ask, what with you fighting your bodyguards and shooting yourselves. But I think it can be accomplished.


Sincerely,

Roger Goodell
NFL Commissioner

I'm not good enough to be anyone's QB

FROM THE MIND OF SHAUN HILL

Dear Mr. Coach Singletary,

I wanted to take this opportunity to extend my gratitude for giving me the chance to be your starting quarterback this year for the 49ers. Boy, I sure do know we had our struggles last year, what with you yelling at Mr. Davis and all. Pretty nifty letterhead huh? My wife got it for me when I won the starting job last year. She says if I'm the starter again this year, she'll let me fuck her doggy style. Doggy Style. Imagine that Mr. Coach Singletary. Two people having intercourse in a position that resembled two of man's best friends making love. It sure would be a swell change of pace from the missionary position. Anywho, have you and Mr. Davis reconciled your differences? Gee, I hope you guys really pull it together and stick this one out. I'll see you at voluntary workouts Mr. Coach Singletary.

Warm Regards

Shaun Hill